Stupid Quotes #1: Cinematic hacks spout inanity


If you're wondering in which voice you should read these internally (or aloud, if that's what entertains guests), I recommend those of mentally challenged celebrities like Vin Diesel, Mark Ruffalo or any given late-night host. Ladies, you might be more comfortable with brain-dead, feminine options such as Justine Bateman, Miley Cyrus, or The Prince of Misery, Sophia Takal. Otherwise, your Looney Tunes caveman impression will probably fit the bill. This doesn't really matter, because you'll drop the voice for distraction by sheer incredulity when you're halfway through Gary Ross's quote, astonished that anybody can be such a fatuous asshole.

Those of you who know me are also probably wondering, "where's the requisite quotation from Kenneth Branagh?" Good question. I haven't included one from Shakespeare's Greatest Butcher because the dozens on file read like somebody's aunt at a wake. For example:

"Actors are the best and the worst of people. They're like kids. When they're good, they're very very good. When they're bad they're very very naughty."

Imagine dozens like these, then recoil in horror when I tell you that they exist, documented online. Branagh is a goddamned human vacuum. When he's finally dead -- on a date later christened by me as New Independence Day -- doctors will perform his autopsy out of doors to ensure that nobody in an enclosed area suffers asphyxiation. Anyway, enjoy these quotes that I swear to god I did not fabricate.

"I love almost all of Stanley Kubrick, there's almost no Stanley Kubrick I don't love. I love Lolita, I love Dr. Strangelove. I love A Clockwork Orange, obviously. I even like a lot of Barry Lyndon (laughs). And early stuff, like The Killing and Paths of Glory. [...] It's ridiculous. Look, he made the best comedy ever, he may have made one of the best science fiction movies ever, he made the best horror movie ever. I couldn't watch the end of The Shining. I went through half The Shining for years before I could finish, because I'm a writer and as soon as he starts writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," I had to turn it off."

--Gary Ross, 2012

"Well, it's not an ending [...] It's a Come Back Next Week, or in three years. And that upsets me. I go to movies expecting to have a whole experience. If I want a movie that doesn't end, I'll go to a French movie. That's a betrayal of trust to me. A movie has to be complete within itself, it can't just build off the first one or play variations."

--Joss Whedon on The Empire Strikes Back, 2013

"Loving a film is like falling in love with a woman or with a man like you never expect it. It's not the one you think you will be in love with, you know. You think always that he will be with a beard, and black, and big and finally he's Chinese and you know it's the same thing."

--Luc Besson

"I think video games and that stuff should be as violent as possible, but age-appropriate. It should be realistic. When it's not realistic you run into kids running around shooting people and not realizing the consequences."

--Darren Aronofsky

"Everybody knows that the industrialized nations are the worst offenders."

--Roland Emmerich

"Making films has got to be one of the hardest endeavors known to humankind."

--Spike Lee

"Stop...stop, that's the next generation of fans. [...] How dare you pass judgment on those 12-year-old girls who like vampires! They need to be encouraged because in six years they'll be 18-year-old girls who like vampires and are into all sorts of goth-permissive and whatnot. Don't Poo-poo it. There's a plan, and it's working."

--Kevin Smith

"More than anything, there are more images in evil. Evil is based far more on the visual, whereas good has no good images at all."

--Lars von Trier

"It's not easy to strap yourself down to a desk and bash on a keyboard when you know you can direct lots of films, because directing films is fun and interactive and gregarious. Writing isn't."

--Guy Ritchie

"I'm so from the Woody Allen/Spike Lee school."

--M. Night Shyamalan

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