Designer Hellhole

Annusya discovered the above abomination as advertised by Home Depot. Just as we anatomize eximious and execrable interiors alike weekly courtesy of dedicated scanners such as JPEGFantasy and Manila Automat, I couldn’t help but likewise scrutinize this stabile calamity’s every ill-conceived element:

  • That tetragonal, post-’60s motif besmirching the floor and wall alike breathes a rancid nostalgia that gormless, suburban millennials agonize to imagine; to their boomer parents or grandparents, it’s a hideously effective reminder that they’ll soon be dead.
  • What appears to be vinyl or aluminum siding flanking the washbasin is almost innovative in its inanity. Who needs quality wainscot when you’re reimagining the wheel as a scissured brick?
  • Not quite clashing, the gray of the mirror’s frame and sink’s cabinet subtly yet powerfully enhances this collective unsightliness.
  • Who wants to see a lovely print whenever they approach their throne when they can settle for two ugly, grayscale photos of sere skeins evocative of the worthless falderol accumulated by someone’s senile great-grandfather?
  • Like all furnishings composed of perennially contemptible wickerwork, that wastebin belongs in another, or perhaps a fireplace. In a household occupied by a human family hailing from planet Earth, it couldn’t contain more than a few hours’ refuse.
  • Its design ought never have maculated an interior after 1975, but that suspended lamp really does befit postwar pastiche of this hideosity.

Prior generations — even Boomers and Xers largely devoted to indiscriminate rejection of tradition — usually possessed and exercized a measure of discernment so to omit irredeemably horrible artifacts of prior popularity whenever resurrecting others. On those rare occasions when Millennials actually retrospect — or worse, essay to revive the past in maladroit mimicry — they exhibit all the acumen and authenticity of a stupid and sheltered child.

Great quotes #1: Astute auteurs articulate aperçus…

…if only to counter that preceding post’s vacuities…

“Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”

–Alfred Hitchcock, Picture Parade, 1960.7.5

“Practice the precept: find without seeking.”

–Robert Bresson

“I think the big mistake in schools is trying to teach children anything, and by using fear as the basic motivation. Fear of getting failing grades, fear of not staying with your class, etc. Interest can produce learning on a scale compared to fear as a nuclear explosion to a firecracker.”

–Stanley Kubrick

“[T]here was always a conflict between my policy of not being too emotional and being true to the fact, without being cold and not reaching the audience. […] I have always insisted that I would never tell lies in my movies, to only tell the truth. This is a big principle for me.”

–Shohei Imamura, Japanese film director Shohei Imamura speaks to the World Socialist Web Site, 2000.9.19

“I think that high art reposes on popular art; without one there cannot be the other.”

–Eric Rohmer

“The function of the flashback is Freudian. […] The Americans had been using it in a very closed way, too rigorously and literally. This was a mistake; you have to let it wander like the imagination, or like a dream.”

–Sergio Leone

“Before, you dealt with the studio. It had one or two persons and now you have masses of executives who have to justify their existence and write so-called “creative notes” and have creative meetings. They obsess about the word creative probably because they aren’t.”

–Roman Polanski interviewed by Taylor Montague

“When I make a film, I never stop uncovering mysteries, making discoveries. When I’m writing, filming, editing, even doing promotional work, I discover new things about the film, about myself, and about others. That is what I’m subconsciously looking for when shooting a film: to glimpse the enigmas of life, even if I don’t resolve them, but at least to uncover them. Cinema is curiosity in the most intense meaning of the word.”

–Pedro Almodovar

“We can see loss as something missing, but that missing space can be filled with something else, and that creates healing.”

–Hirokazu Kore-eda

“I hate even the idea of a synopsis. When stories are really working, when you’re providing subtextual exploration and things that are deeply layered, you’re obligated to not say things out loud.”

–Shane Carruth

Stupid Quotes #1: Cinematic hacks spout inanity…

…as a chick lays eggs…

“I love almost all of Stanley Kubrick, there’s almost no Stanley Kubrick I don’t love. I love Lolita, I love Dr. Strangelove. I love A Clockwork Orange, obviously. I even like a lot of Barry Lyndon (laughs). And early stuff, like The Killing and Paths of Glory. […] It’s ridiculous. Look, he made the best comedy ever, he may have made one of the best science fiction movies ever, he made the best horror movie ever. I couldn’t watch the end of The Shining. I went through half The Shining for years before I could finish, because I’m a writer and as soon as he starts writing “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” I had to turn it off.”

–Gary Ross, 2012

“Well, it’s not an ending […] It’s a Come Back Next Week, or in three years. And that upsets me. I go to movies expecting to have a whole experience. If I want a movie that doesn’t end, I’ll go to a French movie. That’s a betrayal of trust to me. A movie has to be complete within itself, it can’t just build off the first one or play variations.”

–Joss Whedon on The Empire Strikes Back, 2013

“Loving a film is like falling in love with a woman or with a man like you never expect it. It it’s not the one you think you will be in love with, you know. You think always that he will be with a beard, and black, and big and finally he’s Chinese and you know it’s the same thing.”

–Luc Besson

“I think video games and that stuff should be as violent as possible, but age-appropriate. It should be realistic. When it’s not realistic you run into kids running around shooting people and not realizing the consequences.”

–Darren Aronofsky

“Everybody knows that the industrialized nations are the worst offenders.”

–Roland Emmerich

“Making films has got to be one of the hardest endeavors known to humankind.”

–Spike Lee

“Stop…stop, that’s the next generation of fans. […] How dare you pass judgment on those 12-year-old girls who like vampires! They need to be encouraged because in six years they’ll be 18-year-old girls who like vampires and are into all sorts of goth-permissive and whatnot. Don’t Poo-poo it. There’s a plan, and it’s working.”

–Kevin Smith

“More than anything, there are more images in evil. Evil is based far more on the visual, whereas good has no good images at all.”

–Lars von Trier

“It’s not easy to strap yourself down to a desk and bash on a keyboard when you know you can direct lots of films, because directing films is fun and interactive and gregarious. Writing isn’t.”

–Guy Ritchie

“I’m so from the Woody Allen/Spike Lee school.”

–M. Night Shyamalan

Crap from comics #1

Your head’s adorned with gay little wings. Shush.


This is exactly how I behave whenever I appropriate a kazoo.

Enjoy this frosted treat before the police arrive, you ugly fuck.

Evidently, this kid isn’t a fan of Clark’s reportage. At least his secret’s still safe.

Oh, you poor wretch: you’re a desirously handsome devil who leads one of the planet’s premiere corps of superheroes, you’ve the power to decapitate a malefactor or topple a house at a glance, your brother stands in your shadow, allies and nemeses alike esteem you, and your ginger girlfriend is a sweaty fox whose postmortem successor is her equally fetching duplicate. Stop fretting, Scott; you read like a carping ingrate. Also, take off your god damned costume when you’re indoors. You look goofy roaming the mansion’s halls in spandex while shouting a declamatory soliloquy, you big queen.

Norman Osborn, Loving Father: an ABC Afterschool Special

That depends: how often will O’Neil, et al. substitute cheap shocks for plot to sell issues?
The prospect of Robin’s daily suicides (and presumed resurrections) is tantalizingly hysterical, but if this were a gibbeted J. Todd, coeval readers’ unanimous response would likely be, “Who gives a screaming shit?”

You tell him, Keenan Wynn! Get the fuck off his lawn, you masked twit.

“I guess your cape entirely shrouded my peripheral vision! What?”

The Wonder is that this Woman can be bothered to oppose crime anytime she could instead titivate herself. This is the most realistic of all these excerpts.