You might be a contemporary, Anglophone conservative if…

  • …you’re still a member of the Republican party.
  • …you’re more concerned with decorum than policy.
  • …you can read National Review without laughing or groaning.
  • …you’re actually subscribed to National Review.
  • …you attended CPAC and weren’t ejected for politically incorrect heresy.
  • …you honestly believe that baizuo and other progressives are just confused people who might someday be suaded with that hitherto unheralded, apropos dialectic or rhetoric.
  • …you donate to the NRA in exchange for tacky swag cheaply manufactured in China and zero resistance to the curtailment of one’s right to bear arms.
  • …you sent your daughter to college.
  • …you’ve actually voiced a platitude that contained the phrase, “we all bleed red” or “diversity is our strength.”
  • …you’re still calling leftists (including progressives) “liberals” decades after all genuine left-wing liberals were hounded to political fringes.
  • …you’ve convinced yourself that fandom for coddled, moronic, violent felons outfitted with plastic armor and televised when they throw a ball across a field is vital to the preservation of cultural masculinity.
  • …you honestly believe that any of the wars in which the United States participated in the past 120 years weren’t disastrous wastes of life and materiel, the immediate corollaries and repercussions of which alike redounded to that nation’s disrepute and downfall.
  • …you privately complain about welfare, yet never contemplate the pecuniary black holes of every American war and occupation.
  • …you were convinced that Muslims half a world away hated Americans “for our freedoms,” but have never dared to utter dissent against cartoonishly censorial, defamatory organizations such the ADL.
  • …you treasure and seek to preserve the values and existence of a tiny, belligerent, parasitic ethnostate in west Asia that brutally enforces apartheid, and whose diasporic proxies actively, overtly lobby to outlaw and eventually extinguish your own.
  • …you know that a single Republican candidate anywhere will capture the majority of a black vote any day now.
  • …you actually believe that “hate speech” exists.
  • …you’ve never considered that expenditure and taxation should be slashed pro rata.
  • …you imagine that police would necessarily protect you if they could.
  • …you’re still wondering why Cubans, Mexicans and Puerto Ricans haven’t equivalent electoral preferences, because Latinos and their cultures must be fungible.
  • …you refer to the Democratic Party as a contemporary “plantation” for black voters for its exchange of welfare benefits for votes, yet never once consider how the tax donkeys who reliably vote for Republicans in exchange for nothing far more aptly fit this analogy.
  • …you laugh at Marxists for refusing in perpetuity to acknowledge the ideological constant of every calamitous Communist state, while never noticing the obvious comparison between Marxism’s and conservatism’s centenary traditions of failure.
  • …you’re certain that anyone opposed to free markets and open borders is a “Communist” or a “Fascist.”
  • …you imagine that Russia’s present government seeks reprisals for the collapse of the Soviet Union.
  • …you’re concerned that Russia’s influencing American elections, without a single thought regarding AIPAC, the Open Society Foundations, etc.
  • …you’re still upset that your Twitter account was deleted, and don’t know what to do.
  • …you celebrate the life and exploits of an obese, plagiaristic, whoremongering black dissident who promoted reparations for slavery as much as any other Communist.
  • …you’re terrified that somebody, somewhere believes or has alleged that you’re racist.
  • …you’ve gradually adopted nearly every radical, egalitarian, leftist premise expounded over the past century.
  • …your every other action is an expression of cupidity or hypocrisy.

Feel free to submit a few hallmarks of this stereotype…!