Redmonk hasn't been hosted on for years. This may be the first original story that I ever read online, back in 1997. Heinous formatting and typographic (esp. punctuational) errors have been emended.


A story of active verbs

The jar of words sat on the countertop, just out of Billy's reach. A scratching noise came from the jar, and the blue porcelain shook visibly. No one had ever opened the jar, and Billy knew that he was not the first one to be curious. Billy also understood that he would be the only living being to look inside the jar of words.

Billy gathered his strength and leapt up to grab the jar. But instead of grabbing it, he knocked it onto the kitchen floor. The jar moved...slowly arcing towards the white floor, Billy witnessed each second with excitement and fear.

The jar bounced off Billy's foot and crushed all five of his toes. Billy tried to yell, but the jar of words shattered at the same time, overpowering the sound of his yell with a giant sucking noise. The words swirled and gathered in a blue-yellow haze and formed a blue-balled monkey.

"Today whirls forward BILLY! You've fucked with the god of words. Explain yourself." The monkey poked Billy in his doughy, six-year-old stomach.

Billy could only let out a whimper at the sight of the monkey's blue testicles and shiny red penis. In fact, Billy could do little else but stare at the monkey's privates.

"Stop fucking around, kid, and come up with a story quick, or I'll show you hours of hour-long infomercials on hair removal systems, and make you eat sixteen pounds of cold head cheese." The monkey pulled a white rubber glove out of the void, slipped it on its right hand and began to lather it with vaseline.

"Shhhhit...I'll talk. It was's idea, I swear. He told me he would give me all his allowance for a month if I told him what was inside the word jar." Billy spit all over the monkey's face in an effort to get his words out quicker.

The monkey wiped away the spit and looked carefully at Billy. The monkey reached under its ass and shit into its gloved hand. Billy began to choke and stare. The monkey jumped on Billy's shoulders, knocking him to the ground. Then the monkey shoved its gloved fist into Billy's throat, and deposited the shit deep inside the boy's throat. Without blinking, the monkey forced Billy to swallow the feces.

"Now let's go teach this brother of yours a lesson." The monkey stepped back from the choking boy. The monkey pulled the soiled glove from his hand, and dropped it on the shiny, white linoleum floor with a sickening, wet, slopping noise. Then he lifted the little boy from the floor by wrenching on the child's wrist.

Billy blinked, coughed up a chunk of monkey poop onto the floor, and took the monkey's hand. Then he led the monkey down the hall to his big brother's room.

"KEEP OUT - DANGER" the large orange sign read. Billy turned the knob and entered his brother's room. Billy's brother lay on his bed, mouth open, Piers Anthony book laying next to his open hand. "The newest Xanth book," the back proclaimed. The monkey let go of Billy's hand and walked over the the sleeping fourteen-year-old.

The monkey summoned a scalpel from the air and went to work. He opened the young boy's abdomen. Then he sliced the end of the large intestine off. The monkey then deftly opened the boy's stomach, and sewed the end of the intestine into the new entrance in his stomach. Before Billy blinked, the monkey sealed both of the entrance wounds. There were only two drops of blood on the young boy's sheets.

"Let's see how many times your brother can digest his own shit!" The monkey seized its shiny red penis, grabbed and disappeared into a blue mist.

Billy ran into the kitchen, and there on the counter was the word jar in all its glory. Billy's stomach churned, and he vomited monkey shit all over his kitchen floor.

Return what you have stolen